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Chapter 6 - The Blue Scarf

 

At seven the next morning Lillian woke in a hotel room strewn with pins, receipts, and dead white roses. Her new husband was sitting on the floor with his back to the bed, reading messages from relatives who had found the internet clip.

“Anything good?” she asked.

“Your Aunt June thinks the wedding was beautiful right up to the speech.”

“That's June trying to be nice.”

“She's also demanding I send her the cake recipe.”

Lillian leaned over the edge of the bed. “I didn't mean to make you stand there alone.”

“I know.” Noah locked his phone. “But you did.”

He had planned to wake up beside her in a room they could barely afford, order pancakes, and laugh about which uncle had danced worst. Instead they were tallying damage like accountants. She sat beside him on the rug.

“Could we postpone the flight?” she asked.

He looked relieved and angry in the same instant. “We can. I wish you'd asked before I spent two hours rearranging work.”

“I didn't know I wanted to until now.”

Noah's mother called while they were on hold. She had been kind to Lillian from their first meeting and had worked hard to stay out of the Hart family's arguments. Now she sounded tired.

“Sweetheart,” she told Noah, “I don't want to interfere. But your grandmother has seen the video six times, and she keeps asking whether the wedding is still legal.”

“It is, Mom.”

“Good. That poor woman in the uniform—”

“That's Lillian's sister.”

“I know. I meant, she looked very alone.”

Lillian, hearing both sides on speakerphone, turned toward the window. The remark seemed unfair, though she couldn't have explained why. The bride had been alone too. The difference was that she had been the one with a microphone and all the guests.

After they hung up, Lillian said, “Your mother probably thinks I'm horrible.”

“She thinks you're hurting. She's also worried about you.”

“Those don't sound like the same thing.”

“They can be. People can love you and dislike something you did.”

Lillian let that settle. It was a sentence her own father never seemed able to say: when he was hurt, somebody else had to be bad so he could be right.

They called the airline, lost a fee, and booked a later trip. It cost enough money to make Lillian wince. That little ordinary loss helped her understand, in a way the ceremony hadn't, that choices followed people out of the room.

At nine, Maeve arrived at the family house wearing jeans, sneakers, and a borrowed rain jacket instead of a uniform. Their mother had bought the house outside Annapolis when Maeve was eleven. The same crooked mailbox still leaned toward the road. Richard had planted new boxwoods, but the stone bird by the steps remained chipped where Lillian once hit it with a bicycle.

Richard answered the door. His face looked gray and his tie was crooked, as though he'd slept in it.

“I came for the scarf,” Maeve said.

“Your sister called.”

“I know. She asked me to bring Mom's blue scarf. I left it in the guest closet years ago.”

Richard moved aside reluctantly. “Your room's a storage room now.”

“I noticed last Christmas.”

A smell of toast and furniture polish met her inside. Her mother had once turned the kitchen into a small greenhouse full of plants she never labeled correctly. Richard had removed all but one. He called it efficient.

The closet door stuck in the same place it had stuck for decades. As a girl, Maeve had learned to lift the knob slightly while pulling. She did it now without thinking and was annoyed by the ease of the movement. The house still knew her hands.

In the hallway she passed an old height chart drawn in pencil beside the laundry closet. Eleanor had measured the girls every birthday, making the marks slanting and uneven because she refused to use a ruler. Maeve's line stopped at eighteen. Lillian's continued to twenty, then there was a longer mark labeled in heels because Lillian insisted she had grown again.

Maeve photographed it. She didn't know why. Maybe she wanted a record that their family had existed before grief made everybody sort memories into evidence for a case. She remembered Lillian begging to have her hair braided like her older sister's, and Maeve refusing because she was late for a date. She remembered coming home to find Lillian had braided three strands of wool together instead. Eleanor had hung the crooked braid over a doorknob like a work of art. The memory was unimportant to any argument. Maeve cherished it for that reason.

Maeve found the scarf in a cardboard box with her name written across the top. It was wrapped around an old photograph of the sisters on the front porch: Maeve eighteen, already holding a Navy academy application; Lillian eleven, missing a front tooth, angry because Maeve had announced she'd be leaving.

“Mom kept that,” Richard said from the doorway.

“So did you.”

“She asked me to give it to you.”

Maeve examined the frame. On the back her mother had written: Maeve thinks she has to get away to become herself. Lillian thinks everyone who goes away stops loving her. Both girls are wrong.

She almost laughed. The handwriting hurt.

Richard crossed his arms. “Tom had no business doing what he did.”

“You gave him an old address.”

“I gave him the last one I knew.”

“You had both our phone numbers.”

“I didn't think a letter would fix a family.”

“No,” she said. “But you could have let us read it and decide that ourselves.”

He looked toward the empty kitchen as if Eleanor might appear and rescue him from a difficult conversation. “Your mother could make an argument feel like she'd already won before it started.”

“She could.”

“Do you know how angry I was when she told me to stop asking you to come home? I was sitting there watching the monitors. You were the one person who might have understood the medical terms without me having to repeat them.”

“Lillian was understanding them.”

“Lillian was twenty-two.”

“She grew up fast because you asked her to.”

He looked down. “I asked her to stay because I didn't want the house empty.”

It was the closest he'd come to admitting anything. Maeve waited, but he added, “And you were never very good at staying.”

Her shoulders tensed. “No. But I could've learned if someone had asked instead of telling me it was already too late.”

She walked out with the scarf and photograph. Richard didn't try to stop her.

At Lillian's apartment, Noah answered the door. A carry-on bag sat half packed on the sofa, and the kitchen sink was filled with plates from relatives who'd visited after the wedding.

“She's on the balcony,” he said. “I made coffee. It's bad coffee.”

“Mom would've approved. She said good coffee was wasted on people in a hurry.”

“She sounds like somebody I would've liked.”

“You would've.” Maeve looked at the stacked plates. “Want me to wash those?”

Noah shook his head. “Leave them. I need to learn that your family can come in here without somebody cleaning up after us.”

Lillian appeared in a sweater and sweatpants. She had washed away her wedding makeup but her eyelashes were still flecked with glue.

“You found it.”

Maeve held out the scarf. Lillian pressed the blue wool against her cheek. The hole near one edge was the size of a thumbnail.

“She used to wrap it around my head when I was sick,” Lillian said. “Even in July.”

Maeve smiled. “She believed a scarf could cure everything.”

Lillian sat down. “I want to hear the whole voicemail.”

Maeve had kept the recording in an old backup of her phone. She hadn't listened to it in years. Her hand went automatically to her pocket, then stopped.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Not because it proves anything. Because it was her voice.”

Maeve opened the file. Their mother's breathing was faint behind a crackle of poor reception. She told Maeve not to get stuck in wet socks. She said she was proud. Then there was a long pause and a sentence Maeve had forgotten: “Tell your sister I know she's tired. Please tell her I see it.”

Lillian gripped the scarf in both hands. She had to hear the last part twice.

Maeve's phone lay on the table when the recording ended. Lillian didn't ask why Maeve had waited to call anymore. She already knew the answer would be complicated and insufficient.

Instead she said, “I'm taking the next train to Dad's.”

“Why?”

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“Because Mom saw how tired I was. And Dad spent nine years pretending he didn't.”

 

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